Dilemma of my life.

So, I'm doing it again. Pushing the people away who mean the most and only want to be close to me. I hate how I do this with not only my family but any boyfriend that I have. I've had two serious relationships where I thought I was in love... However, not in love enough to make love. This frustrates me. I want to but, I push them away to the point where we no longer feel emotionally connected to one another.
I am with somebody at the moment and he is amazing in the sense that he would do anything for me... I just can't let my guard down. I won't allow myself to get hurt.
I want so much in my life... I want to move to NY, I want a family - marriage, kids, the whole shabang. I know if I don't let myself go a bit then I won't get that, so why can't I do it, for myself?

He's asked me to go round to his tonight, I said yesterday I would go... Now I'm having second thoughts to the point where I will make up an excuse not to go. I really like this guy, I just get scared at the thought of being with him, having to talk emotionally, being intimate. None of my friends seem to have this problem, may be it's because I'm very hung up on how I look or that he decides I'm not what he wants or may be there is something wrong with me? All of these have passed my mind many a times. I know that by holding off and not allowing myself to be who I want to be is only going to push him away further, I just can't help it. 

Deep breath... It'll all work out.