I've struggled with my weight for years, as long as I can remember I've thought being thinner, prettier, skinny would make me a better person. I've slipped in to the rut. Again.
For the past few weeks I've been down about friendships, relationships, work and worst of all, myself. I considered asking the doctor to advice me of a councillor but then I thought, may be it is all in my head and there isn't anything wrong with me, may be they'd think I was overreacting and wasting there time. With that in mind, I didn't mention it to my doctor on a general check up.
I've gained weight over the past couple of weeks and it's really gotten to me and even though I've known this and in my mind have not wanted to eat, I have. And then when I have, I've hated myself for it and felt guilty. Yesterday was the worst day so far, I was feeling low at work but went out at lunch and purchased a chicken salad sandwich and snack a jacks, I ate them, all. I was glad to get work over with and get home, until I found that Mom had cooked a meal I didn't want to eat, but I did. I didn't want her to know I was struggling.
After dinner I watched the Demi Lovato documentary on her battles with self harm and bulimia, it made me realise that may be there is something wrong... I went upstairs and purged. I never thought I would but I did it and I felt great later, like I hadn't gained any weight.
This morning it's like I can't get out of what I've started... It feels like something is taking over my body and I can't control it, can't tell anybody, can't do anything.
Do I want help? No. I want to lose the body image I see everyday I look in the mirror. I want to be pretty, I want to be thin.
