It's caught me

I've struggled with my weight for years, as long as I can remember I've thought being thinner, prettier, skinny would make me a better person. I've slipped in to the rut. Again.
For the past few weeks I've been down about friendships, relationships, work and worst of all, myself. I considered asking the doctor to advice me of a councillor but then I thought, may be it is all in my head and there isn't anything wrong with me, may be they'd think I was overreacting and wasting there time. With that in mind, I didn't mention it to my doctor on a general check up.
I've gained weight over the past couple of weeks and it's really gotten to me and even though I've known this and in my mind have not wanted to eat, I have. And then when I have, I've hated myself for it and felt guilty. Yesterday was the worst day so far, I was feeling low at work but went out at lunch and purchased a chicken salad sandwich and snack a jacks, I ate them, all. I was glad to get work over with and get home, until I found that Mom had cooked a meal I didn't want to eat, but I did. I didn't want her to know I was struggling.
After dinner I watched the Demi Lovato documentary on her battles with self harm and bulimia, it made me realise that may be there is something wrong... I went upstairs and purged. I never thought I would but I did it and I felt great later, like I hadn't gained any weight.
This morning it's like I can't get out of what I've started... It feels like something is taking over my body and I can't control it, can't tell anybody, can't do anything.
Do I want help? No. I want to lose the body image I see everyday I look in the mirror. I want to be pretty, I want to be thin.

Dilemma of my life.

So, I'm doing it again. Pushing the people away who mean the most and only want to be close to me. I hate how I do this with not only my family but any boyfriend that I have. I've had two serious relationships where I thought I was in love... However, not in love enough to make love. This frustrates me. I want to but, I push them away to the point where we no longer feel emotionally connected to one another.
I am with somebody at the moment and he is amazing in the sense that he would do anything for me... I just can't let my guard down. I won't allow myself to get hurt.
I want so much in my life... I want to move to NY, I want a family - marriage, kids, the whole shabang. I know if I don't let myself go a bit then I won't get that, so why can't I do it, for myself?

He's asked me to go round to his tonight, I said yesterday I would go... Now I'm having second thoughts to the point where I will make up an excuse not to go. I really like this guy, I just get scared at the thought of being with him, having to talk emotionally, being intimate. None of my friends seem to have this problem, may be it's because I'm very hung up on how I look or that he decides I'm not what he wants or may be there is something wrong with me? All of these have passed my mind many a times. I know that by holding off and not allowing myself to be who I want to be is only going to push him away further, I just can't help it. 

Deep breath... It'll all work out.

Review: Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser

OK so I thought I'd do my first review today on the growing cleanser that is Cetaphil. I purchased this cleanser along with the moisturising lotion in ASDA a while back - I had not heard of it before however I was on the search for a new cleanser that would help kick my acne-prone* skin into shape.

The cleanser reads; 'Soap free formula removing dirt, make-up and other impurities without drying the skin.' Directions: Apply Cetaphil to the skin and massage gently. Without water: Wipe off excess with soft tissue or cotton wool. With Water: Rinse and pat dry with a soft towel.
Basically you massage the product in to dry skin (although I'm not sure it matters) and then you can either choose to wipe the excess off with tissue or rinse with water. For me, water is a must. I like the feeling of the water on my face other wise I just feel as it is left sitting on my face and I haven't gotten all of the product off. I have to admit that the cleanser does leave my skin feeling soft and fresh, it just doesn't help my impurities.

I had tried this cleanser once when I bought it however, it had a negative effect and as I was in high school I didn't want to put up with more pimples on my face than necessary so I quit using it. Recently, the Cetaphil products have become more known in the UK and have been raved about with a number of celebrities claiming that they use it (Natalie Portman, Demi Harman..) Therefore, I decided to get the cleanser out and try it again in the hope that it would give me a positive outcome.. Unfortunately this has not been the case. I have only been using the product again for about a week so I'm hoping that it is just bringing all of the bad stuff to the surface. I have broken out so bad over the past week from using it and the pimples are in places on my face that I don't usually get pimples, I'm very disappointed with the product. I am considering purchasing the daily cleanser for normal to oily skin however, I think that I am going to shop around for a cleanser that will do my skin a favour and I may carry on using this product for another week or so to see if there are any changes... I'll let you know!




*my skin has always been acne prone however, growing up it has gotten slightly better and even though my face in't full of impurities - it still gets to me. It is very reliant on what I eat so I try to eat healthy but it also seems to depend on what products I use on my face.


The cleanser and other Cetaphil products can now be purchased here

If you have used this cleanser, please leave a comment and let me know how it was for you :-)

Deep breath... I'll all work out.

About me...

I'm eighteen and I live in the UK - longing to live in New York - this is my biggest dream, ever. I'm not going to pretend and say that my life has been a bed of roses - who can say that nowadays? I've had some pretty rough times and have done a lot of things that I regret and even though these have had negative effects on who I am today, what has happened in my past has made me stronger, tougher and more determined to do better in the future. I have low points and high points and recently, these have both been more apparent. If asked what I would change about myself, I couldn't just give one answer because there are simply too many things that I would like to change about myself. I live with my mam and have two siblings, I don't feel apart of this family though - we're not similar, in fact, I see a lot of opposites. For now, this is all I care to share.

I've been through and done some pretty bad things in my fairly short life, if you feel like you would like to chat about anything - email me: mixedup_complicated@hotmail.co.uk

Deep breath... It'll all work out.

First blog... Ever

To whoever may be reading this, I am doing this for the first time... I've always wanted to blog, to show people the real me that I have never felt that I could show growing up. I love the prospect of having a place where I can just say exactly hat I want and feel. I am going to be writing about me, the experiences I've had in the past and the journey that I am currently on as well as some make up based posts. I hope that you will give me the chance and allow us to get to know each other. I hope you enjoy what for me, is a big deal. If you'd like to ask anything, want advice or a general chit-chat - email me: mixedup_complicated@hotmail.co.uk

Deep breath... It'll all work out.